


Consiousness

by BMRH



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angry John Watson, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Broken Sherlock Holmes, Crying, Desperate Sherlock Holmes, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s04e02 The Lying Detective, Gen, Heartbreak, Hospitals, Hurt Sherlock, I Made Myself Cry, Madness, Near Death Experiences, POV Sherlock Holmes, Platonic Sherlock Holmes/John Watson, Poetry, References to Drugs, Sad Sherlock, Season/Series 04, Sherlock Holmes & John Watson Friendship, Sherlock Holmes and Drug Use, Sherlock Holmes and John Watson Reunion, Sherlock Is A Bit Not Good, Suffering, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-09
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-03-29 05:27:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13920336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BMRH/pseuds/BMRH
Summary: "Why should you even bother to stay awake?" Another poetic rendition, this time of the hospital scene in "The Lying Detective" from Sherlock's point of view.





	1. Chaos

**Author's Note:**

> I really liked the last fanfiction I published which was in poetry form. First, it went much quicker than usual for me to write it and second, I found it much easier to write from Sherlock’s point of view in that way. It’s a little bit more forgiving, so to say. As it’s also a perfect form to write angst in, I’m continuing on that. So what is the most angsty scene in the whole show? Well, by far the morgue scene and the end of The Lying Detective I would say. This is the scene, and some missing pieces in between the following ones, written from Sherlock’s point of view, reflecting on his feelings and memories. Written as needy, desperate and frightened, which I truly think he was at that moment because of the drugs and what had happened before it. All and all, a broken man. I will publish this in many chapters because I just started writing so many of these paragraphs. Johnlock if you squint.
> 
> Content warnings for graphic violence, disturbing imagery, drug use and occasional death wish. Angst, just the way we like it!  
> Feel free to cry. Here we go...

You are trapped in chaos

What does it all really mean?

What is happening, what is real?

Is nothing what you think you've seen?

  
The daughter, she looks different

The killer is laughing amused

His chuckles echoes in your head

The famous man you've publicly accused

  
You review the facts over and over

Trying to figure out what went wrong

How could you not see the difference?

Have you been high for just too long?

  
No, it can't be a mistake!

What was it that you had planned?

Why do they stare at you and not at him?

How did the scalpel get into your hand?

  
The chuckles roars loudly

You can't, just _can't_ let the killer go free

Screaming at the top of your lungs

"Stop laughing... STOP LAUGHING AT ME!"

  
John Watson seizes your coat

You've crossed a line he can't allow

Throws you violently against the hard steel

"Stop it! _Stop it now!"_

  
His voice freezes you in an instant

He has said these words before

On the roof when he begged you to live

Their sound still shakes your very core

  
Six years, so many memories

All the things you've been through

Does he know you always faced them together?

Even when he actually wasn't there with you?

  
He slaps you, slaps you hard

His face is the only thing you can see

"What are you doing?! Wake up!"

_John, why aren't you listening to me?_

  
The first hit brings you to the ground

The second with the same aim

It's the third which breaks your nose

"Is this a bloody game?!"

  
Fists turn into kicks

One quickly followed by another

Finally the whimpers have to escape you

_Remember when we only had each other?_


	2. Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m trying to post quickly for a change because this fic is taking up my whole life and I just can’t have it that way while I’m writing my masters dissertation! Here is the second part and we're still in the morgue. When does the suffering stop…?

Why does the beating stop?

Not because of John's own will

It's possible but incomprehensible

What if the aim actually was to kill?

 

The floor is grey and clean

The disinfection does no good

Against the smell of sickening iron

The stench of your own spilled blood

 

You raise your head so slowly

Trying to meet the gaze of your friend

Even though you fear what it'll tell you

Showing you what's left in the end

 

John's eyes are only cold

So much colder than the floor

You don't tremble because of pain

No, everything else hurts so much more

 

The hatred, the loathing

You've always known anyhow

That you're dirt, worthless, a freak

But never been more reminded than now

 

John turns around

He walks away and leaves

Not even glancing back a single time

It's over, he no longer believes

 

You know what's coming next

There's no more time left to flee

It's now that it finally frightens you

_Please, come back... John, don't leave me!_

 

Why are your eyes so damp?

Is it only the exhaustion and ache?

You're so tired, just don't understand

Why should you even bother to stay awake?

 

And finally your eyes blackens

Darkness takes over your gaze

Takes you away from all the anguish

To a better time and a better place

 

Back to the beginning

Before your deadly fall

When you were young and the days simple

When life was laughing together against Mrs Hudson's wall

 

Maybe you should stay there?

Well, what's left if you restart?

You have already died anyway

Who can survive someone burning your heart?

 

Mary gave you a case

She begged you to save your friend

What if you could just rewrite one moment?

_Mary, you should have let me die instead_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s something about Sherlock’s drug addled inner monologue desperately begging John not to leave him, even after what just happened, which makes my heart clench every time I’ve been reading it when writing. I've been considering if it was too out of character but on the other hand, do I think he was scared? Well, obviously because I think he knew that he had overdone it, that he was losing control of the situation. I don’t think he believed that John could actually do what he did to him. Yes, in a way he had it coming, in a way it might even have been part of his plan but it still doesn’t take away the fact that it probably was the worst moment of his adult life.  
> So yeah, that’s my thoughts on it. What’s yours and what did you think about this part?
> 
> The next part will be up within a few days tops. Hours if we’re lucky.  
> Again, if you like it, please leave feedback. Thank you!


	3. Catatonic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part is freer from the original storyline and tries to fill the gap between the morgue and the scene after. I've written my thoughts on the whole thing in the next author's note. Just want to say that if you don't want to read that, skip it because it ended up quite long. Let's have our daily dose of angst then!

The medics start approaching

They push a sedative into your vein

Maybe they think it makes a difference?

That what they're doing is more humane?

 

Because they secure you to the stretcher

Strap you to the metal bars by your hands and feet

No, they won't take any risks with madmen

Even those disarmed by a doctor's heat

 

They bring you to the elevators

Up and into a large patient room

Dress you in standard sterile clothing

Those scrubs in which humans await their doom

 

Why do they fasten the straps again?

Did he make them keep you restrained?

What if you can't move when he comes?

The killer is going to be so entertained

 

You're trying to find a solution

Locking yourself up in your consciousness

Trying to discuss with John as usual

But the response is just... _silence_...

 

Behind the mask rises the panic

In your head it screams loud and wild

And you hate that you actually understand

What can make a grown man cry like a child

 

A door is slowly opening

You quickly shut your eyes

This isn't right, it's still too early...

Your alarm becomes even harder to disguise

 

But the steps are uneven

Of course you recognise their sound

How can you ever forget them?

Two feet and a stick against the ground

 

John clears his throat

At least he doesn't like what he sees

"It's just a precaution." says the nurse

"Just remove them, will you please?"

 

She frees you and he takes a seat

Places the chair far away from your side

Does he think about what happened earlier?

In any way regret that he left you behind?

 

He sits quiet for a long time

Watches you sternly as the daylight fade

You know he has come for a single reason

The decision had already been made

 

In the end, he rises from the chair

There's just no reason for him to dwell

The stick he leaves by your bedside

His way of telling you his final farewell

 

And for a second time he leaves you

The door closes and then he's gone

It makes you as irrational as the first time

_Please, I don't want to do this alone..._

 

All is silent, the stage is set

You keep your eyes closed and wait

The pain is tiring, can't help drifting off

Just sleep until you have to face your fate  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is my favourite part yet, because I got to write something which was off screen and use my imagination a bit. At the same time I hate that it is... Why do I do this to my baby?? It feels like a stab to the heart each time I read it!
> 
> I have a head canon which is related to what I wrote in the first part too, that Sherlock always talks to John, also in his head when he needs to solve a difficult problem or in general (which they have implied on the show a few times). The head canon is basically that when Sherlock really understood that John didn't want anything to do with him, when he beat him to a pulp, then even his inner dialogue silenced. John didn't talk to him in his head either. It was quiet, he knew he was alone and it made him completely terrified, especially in this situation when he was so messed up on drugs that it crushed his feelings. Also, which I hope was clear, he doesn't show any signs on the outside of his panic (because he's still that good) but he understands how people break down from a situation like this, being unable to move and not knowing what to do, how adults can scream and cry like children.
> 
> Finally, I like that John isn't too comfortable with seeing Sherlock being treated as a psychotic madman (also maybe because he might be a bit unsure about who it really is that needs to be restrained?) and saves him without even knowing it. After all, he knows he isn't mad; just different and that’s what he has liked about him up until now.
> 
> What did you think about this part? Do you like it as much as I do? Please comment your thoughts!


	4. Choke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now it's time for the infamous suffocating scene then. I'm nervous... This was more difficult to write in a way because I knew what I had to get into the scene and I shorted it down quite a bit. Here we go then...

Your eyelids are parting slowly

The killer sits in the visitors chair

Unmoving and completely relaxed

Only eyeing you with a keen stare

 

"Why?" he wonders interested

Yes, he expects you to plea

You're going to give him what he desires

"I want you to kill me."

 

"Say that for me."

This is what triggers his high

What they all say in their last moments

"No, I don't want to die..."

 

"Once more for luck."

He'll do it until you break

The final time you start to whimper

Is the anguish in your voice really just fake?

 

Your body is lowered down

The killer asks if you want one more breath

Preparing to make his usual move

To send you irrevocably towards your death

 

His hands cover your mouth and nose

That's what's most effective to block

No betraying signs will be on your neck

_"Go to hell, Sherlock."_

 

The oxygen is out way too quickly

Your organs are craving new air

No, you can't lose consciousness now

Keep focusing on meeting the killer's stare

 

Black spots start to appear

More and more of them on your eyes

What do you do if _he_ isn't coming?

What if it has just been too many lies?

 

You feel the spasms hurting badly

Your body's desperate last fight

The killer, he likes to watch it happen

The moment when they step into the light

 

You're losing sense of your muscles

It's no longer something you can stop

Agony, the panic is everywhere

"And off... we... _pop_..."

 

_… Is it over now…?_

Maybe it was a good way to die?

Because you hear John's voice again

At least your mind gave you a proper goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, the last paragraph kills me... I realise that I'm writing him as "superneedy" but I don't know. If there’s one situation where he probably was, it’s this one. Yes, this was a shorter chapter but you get the idea.  
> Please comment on what you think about the rhythm in the text so far and about the portrayal in general.


	5. Calm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, God! It's finally over! This fic has been putting the rest of my life on delay so I'm relieved that I'm done, even though a bit sad. This chapter is again more free and filled of my imagination. As it's the last chapter, which means that it needed to resolve some things, I also made it longer than the others. Again, thank you to you who have been reading the whole poem and I hope the last chapter lives up to your expectations. Let's do this...

Suddenly air refills your lungs

The hands are pulled off your face

"What were you doing to him?!"

 _John..._ His words fill the killer's place

 

You gasp until your vision clears

Explain how it all happened

John curses repeatedly over and over

In the end it was just like you had imagined

 

The killer is taken briskly away

John's focus fully changes to you

His gaze is different now than before

Now when he knows what you've been through

 

Maybe it's pity?

Maybe he's completely unaware?

To you it doesn't matter

At least he looks at you with care

 

He holds his phone to his ear

Paces restlessly while he talks

His words declare that it's finally over

"Send an ambulance. Yes, from here to Barts."

 

He goes on to check your pulse

Presses his fingers against your skin

You're feeling yourself relax under their touch

Almost have to resist the urge to lean in

 

Ambulance staff enter and get to work

Swiftly they lift you off the bed

"One, two, _three_." they steadily count

John is there to secure your head

 

The drugs were switched hours ago

Against this torture they no longer allay

Does John see the pain in your features?

He breathes deeply and looks another way

 

There isn't going to be a wait

The ambulance has already arrived

A nurse asks if John wants to join them

He hesitates, doesn't know what to decide

 

You sit up with your last powers

The medics gently push you back down

They don't understand, you have to see!

John glances towards you with a frown

 

You have no energy for a struggle

In the end you just have to surrender

"Lay down, Mr Holmes. It'll be fine."

No, nothing will if you can't remember

 

You manage to look below the stretcher's edge.

Why should John have forgiven you for your crime?

If this is the last time you'll ever see him

_Let me just memorise him one final time..._

 

But then you see him step into the ambulance

Taking his usual seat by your side

"Please, give him something for the pain."

And your relief is almost impossible to hide

 

The vehicle moves calmly on the roads

The way it rocks you makes you tired

It's too difficult to keep your eyes open

Now when you've done what was required

 

John sees how you're persisting

After all, that's what you always do

"Sherlock, relax. No need to fight it."

And for once you know that's actually true

 

So you're allowing your body to let go

Soon your mind becomes overtaken too

And you whisper softly as it happens

Only two words: "...Thank you..."

 

John says nothing in reply

For a moment only silence exist

The answer isn't given in any words

Only by him placing his palm on your wrist

 

You turn your lower arm upwards

Make your fingers grasp around his hand

And when your grip loosens he holds on

Guiding you securely into dreamland

 

Things can't be like they were before

That much you've already been shown

But for now you lose consciousness without worry

Because John is here and you're not alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is! I'm done and the ending is bittersweet and so much Hurt/Comfort it can be. I'm crying over here, okay?! And yes, change "Thank you" to "I love you" if you want to. I'm aiming to write platonic super-close friendship but you can interpret it as you want. I would like also to hashtag this chapter #john'sbloodyguiltyconscience. Especially that part when he looks away because he sees that Sherlock is in pain and knows that he is the primary cause of it. My favourite part is the one with that "At least he looks at you with care". Yes, in general I'm very pleased with this ending. And again, I know I've written Sherlock as extremely needy but I thought it fitted the situation and after that has happened, he's trying to enjoy every moment with John because he doesn't know how long it will last.
> 
> Now when I'm done, pleeeease comment your thoughts, give kudos and bookmark the story if you liked it! 
> 
> Thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah... I'm going to be absolutely destroyed when I'm done with this one... Please give kudos and bookmark because there will be more coming out soon. Also, please comment because it really makes my life so much more interesting to hear what you think about my work!
> 
> Thank you!


End file.
